


Watching it Burn

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Revolutionary War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 09:51:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9174958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: John Laurens has just received word of Alexander's half-hearted engagement. How will he remember the memories?





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Letters](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/252637) by John C. Miller. 



> Okay! I did use the Hamilton-Laurens letters to inspire. This does try to go along with history, but naturally, is not 100 percent compliant. We will never know what exactly happened!  
> Enjoy  
> <3

John could feel the tears as they traveled softly down his cheek. "No, I." John re-read the letter. Maybe he was mistaken. He knew that he had asked Alexander to get married. He was worried. He thought that it would "cure" him. He thought that he would go to hell. The image of Alexander, suffering and burning, was too horrible to imagine. But now, he knew. Nothing would "cure" either of them. _If there really is a god of good deeds and hope, surely he could see true love._ His world was turning upside down. He read the letter aloud this time, as if it would change the meaning somehow.

 

"I have talked to the General about your exchange; but the rigid rules of impartiality oppose our wishes. I am the only one in the family who think you can be exchanged with any propriety, on the score of your relation to the Commander in Chief. We all love you sincerely; but I have more of the infirmities of human nature, than the others, and suspect my self of being byassed by my partiality for you. Have you not heard that I am on the point of becoming a benedict [a newly engaged or married man who had long been a bachelor]? I confess my sins. I am guilty. Next fall completes my doom. I give up my liberty to Miss Schuyler. She is a good hearted girl who I am sure will never play the termagant; though not a genius she has good sense enough to be agreeable, and though not a beauty, she has fine black eyes--is rather handsome and has every other requisite of the exterior to make a lover happy. And believe me, I am lover in earnest, though I do not speak of the perfections of my Mistress in the enthusiasm of Chivalry. Is it true that you are confined to Pensylvania? Cannot you pay us a visit? If you can, hasten to give us a pleasure which we shall relish with the sensibility of the sincerest friendship. Adieu God bless you.... A Hamilton"

 

John sat there in silence, recalling the moments shared between them. The tender glances, kisses. Alexander had told him that he would stay by his side, and always love him. John would reply solemnly, "You know it is sinful, Dearest. But my love for you exceeds anything in this life." They both knew it was too good to be true. They would both be swept up in the flow of society. They would be forced to form a "natural" relationship, and forget one another. They could kill one another. If they were found, pray to God they wouldn't be, they could both be hanged. John would not risk that.

John opened a cabinet in his desk and pulled out a few of his favorite letters, illuminating them in the gentle glow of the lantern.

"Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens, it might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that 'till you bade us Adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind, and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments, and to keep my happiness independent on the caprice of others. You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent. But as you have done it and as we are generally indulgent to those we love, I shall not scruple to pardon the fraud you have committed, on condition that for my sake, if not for your own, you will always continue to merit the partiality, which you have so artfully instilled into me." A tear landed on the paper, distorting a few words. That was the very first, and one of Lauren's favorites- letter that Alexander had written to him. And slowly, he picked up another, and another, tearfully recalling past experiences. The letters got more passionate as they went on. He remembered Valley Forge as if it were yesterday.

\---

"I'm cold." The words were barely audible. "I know, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry this had to happen." John and Alexander sat within their tent, wrapping a too small blanket around them. The cold was nearly unbearable. Many had died already. John was beginning to feel numb to the sensation. The cold cut through the air, biting at their flesh like wolves. John could not take it anymore. He broke down. Who was there to lift him up? Alex. "I hope that body heat will be sufficient." Alexander wrapped a loving arm around John, and pulled him in tighter. They embraced, feeling their heart beats sync. Alexander breathed raspy breaths into John's hair. John could not take this anymore. He looked up at Alexander, and kissed him. It was slow, a melody, as if they belonged together. Every sentiment, every glance, every experience, molded into the kiss, and gave it a passion. Alexander would never again experience a kiss with such affection. John pulled away. "What did I just do," he squeaked. "I love you." cried Hamilton, pulling him in tighter. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity of bliss. John would not like to be anywhere else.

\---

The memory brought tears to John's eyes. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to recall it fondly, or with bitterness. His body melted as he pictured his sweet Hamilton's arms around him.

_I saved every letter you wrote me._

_From the moment I read them._

_I knew you were mine._

_You said you were mine,_

_I knew you were mine._

He knew he was foolish to imagine such fantasies. It was impossible. They would never be able to carry out a relationship.

But, he was worried for his dear Alexander. He hoped with his heart that Eliza would be able to satisfy him. Would Eliza cradle him to sleep? Read him poetry? Tell him she loved him every single night? John made one of the most difficult decisions in his life.

He would not let these letters condemn his dear boy. Solemnly, he tucked away the less passionate ones. These letters would help him remember the exchanges they had, and they would remind him of the love of his life. He examined the more passionate letters intently. The love, that flowed from his soul to his fingertips could be felt. The true sentiment and care behind every line was apparent.

"I love you, so I will do this." John reluctantly brought the flame to the tip of the letter. The radiant light engulfed the paper, erasing such strong expressions of inner emotion. John repeated the act the rest of the letters, taking the time to watch the light show, and reminiscing in their glory.

_I may not live to see our glory._

 

 _I’m erasing myself from the narrative_  
Let future historians wonder how Laurens reacted  
When you stole his heart  
I am being teared apart  
I’m watching it burn  
Watching it burn.

_Burn._

 

 

Then and there, Laurens decided that he would be there for Alexander. He would be his friend. He would support him.

John took out a quill, and wrote his response.

 

_I know he'll never be satisfied, I know we'll never be satisfied._

 

 

 

 


End file.
